Gentlemen Prefer Sass: Sassy Ever After Read online

  “Need me to toss him?” Landry asked as she came closer.

  Candace shook her head and showed him the photos.

  “Look at you! These are amazing. Wait, you were a brunette?”

  “I’d like to forget it,” she said, snatching the photos back. “Someone is trying to open a vampire museum.”

  “Cue the spooky music and bats,” Landry said, rolling his eyes.

  “I know. It’s some history professor from UNLV. I’ve agreed to take on an advisory role.”

  “Then it can’t possibly be as bad as we imagine.”

  “It will be if they keep digging up photos from my past. Like I’m the only vampire in Vegas with history or something. Sheesh.”

  “If they find photos of me from my chubby teen days I will kill everyone.”

  “You’ve always been handsome,” she said, stroking the side of his face. “At first I thought you’d sent him. I know how you love to play matchmaker.”

  “Would it be so bad if you found someone? Haven’t you waited long enough?”

  “I have you to keep me company.”

  “Someone who is more than a friend. You know what I mean.”

  “I don’t have the time.”

  He looked at her and smirked. “Vampires have nothing but time. Was he nice at least?”

  “Actually, he was. I may or not be going on a boat ride with him. Under a full moon.”

  “That sounds downright romantic. It also sounds like a horror film I watched years ago. He does know what vampires can do, right?”

  “He’s perfectly harmless. I didn’t pick up so much as a hint of deception from him.”

  “I better check him out just in case. Name?”

  “Shane Conrad.”

  “I’ll report back.”

  Two

  Candace returned to her office, scanning the bank of security cameras before sitting on the corner of her desk and staring at the photos. She smiled at the memories each of them brought speeding through her mind.

  “I loved that outfit. We could have showgirl night here at the club.”

  As Candace held the photos, she felt her hand getting warmer. Suddenly, one of the corners started smoking and burst into flames. She dropped the photos and stomped on the pile until the small fire was extinguished. Fire was sure death for vampires and the club had suffered a massive kitchen blaze nearly thirty years ago that could have easily made its way to the sleeping chambers. Luckily the heat caused a pipe to burst and the damage was contained.

  She kicked at the photos with her shoe, checking for any embers. “What the hell?”

  “You and I both know hell doesn’t actually exist,” a deep voice said from behind.

  The familiar sound buzzed throughout her body as if a speaker were resting directly on her spine with the bass flipped on hyper-max. She didn’t move a muscle, unsure if what she heard was even real. Most of the paralysis, however, came from the conflicted feelings now fighting for space in her thoughts.

  Candace used to be able to feel his presence, wear it like a comfortable pair of clothes, but it had been erased with time. Her body was now aching to remember how good he felt, how his energy filled the small cracks and voids now carved open again by his absence.

  “I never fully agreed with that,” she said softly without turning around. “Hell does exist, just not the way most people think it does. I maintain it might even be here on earth.”

  “That sounds just like my Candace.”

  “I’m not your anything.”

  “Are you mad at me? I only burned the photo you didn’t like.” The voice rumbled with laughter, growing louder like a tornado made of sound and the faint smell of sulfur. She whipped around and watched as the figure materialized from the corner of the room.

  “Hello, Alejandro. How rude of you to invade my space.”

  “Warlock,” he said with a shrug. “You know I do as I please.” He stood with his arms extended, waiting for a hug. “Not even a quick squeeze for an old friend?”

  “I’m a little busy,” she said, grabbing a couple pencils from the corner of the desk. “These desperately need sharpening.” Candace shook her head in disbelief. As she continued staring at him, anger began winning ground in her body until the rage reached her hand, instantly snapping the pencils in half. “Where the fuck have you been?”

  “Watching you flirt. It’s a lot like boring dinner theater.” He feigned a yawn.

  “You know what I mean, asshole. Where have you been for the last few decades, not minutes?”

  “Here … there … everywhere …. nowhere.”

  “I don’t have time for this shit.” She stacked any papers within reach on the desk, restacking them over and over.

  “Busy planning boat rides, huh? How very middle America of you.”

  “It’s extremely rude to listen in on my conversations,” she said, grabbing the stapler. “For your information, lots of people enjoy boating. It’s a perfectly acceptable pastime.” The sound of stapling grew louder as the smacked the top of it harder, attaching random sheets of paper.

  “People ride boats. Supernatural beings take luxury cruises across the oceans in first-class cabins. They don’t putter around Lake Mead.”

  “Aren’t you the snobby one,” she said in an aristocratic voice. “People come with all types of hobbies...and modes of transportation, as do supernaturals. And why am I discussing this with you? My life is no concern of yours. You left.”

  He stepped into the light. His brown eyes were exactly as she remembered. She looked away, fighting the urge to connect with him.

  “Banishment isn’t leaving, at least not on purpose.” He adjusted the cuffs of his perfectly tailored suit and walked closer. “You can’t possibly be upset with me.”

  “I can’t be upset over your disappearance?”

  “Again, banishment and not on purpose. You’ve never been banished so you’ll never understand.”

  “No, but I understand loss very well. It’s an unfortunate part of life when you move through life as an immortal and most of your friends aren’t. What I don’t understand is the disappearing act of another like me. Not like like me, but…oh you know what I mean.”

  “You had no idea I was even floating around in your little stripper hangout.”

  “It’s burlesque.”

  “Whatever. You couldn’t even detect me, so we really aren’t like like at all. Sorry to nitpick.”

  Candace picked the stapler off the desk and lobbed it towards his head with full vampire strength. Alejandro held up his hand, causing the stapler to open flat and sent it straight to the ceiling where it attached securely above her head.

  “This is fun,” he said, clapping his hands. “Throw something else.”

  “The demon inside you is a major asshole.”

  “He’s only half of me and not what I consider to be my handsome side.” Alejandro turned to the left and motioned for her to look at his face. “See? Isn’t this side better. Pure warlock.”

  Candace rolled her eyes. “Neither side does it for me. The ugly on the inside just oozes out through your face.” She was lying, and he knew it. His olive skin and facial scruff had a way of making her panties moist.

  “I do wish you would work on your hospitality. I’m not feeling particularly welcome.”

  “Because you’re not,” she said, crossing her arms. “You aren’t welcome. At. All.”

  “You didn’t miss me even the tiniest bit?” He walked in front of her and placed both hands on her arms.

  “About as much as one can miss a scab that never fully heals.”

  “Ouch.”

  “You really have impeccable timing,” she said, shaking his hands off her body. “What do you want here anyway?”

  “I thought maybe you missed my touch. Did you miss it?” He tried to run his hands along her hips, but she smacked them away.

  “I haven’t seen you in decades and you think I’m just going to get flirty the second I see you?”r />
  Alejandro scrunched up his face in confusion. “Oh, did I not read the signals correctly?”

  “Everything is not a joke!”

  “Everything doesn’t have to be so serious either. I’ve been stuck in another realm for years. Is it too damn much to ask for a little levity? I’m just trying to have a fucking conversation!”

  “We’ve conversed and now you can move along to the next realm.”

  “Damn, so cold.”

  “Vampire,” she shrugged. “Always cold.”

  “So, it’s okay for you to make jokes?”

  “My place. My rules.”

  “And your new human? Looks polite, but a tad bit boring. Wears hair gel, doesn’t he? Better not let that get on your fangs. It’s probably a little sticky.”

  “I saw you eat roadkill once, Alejandro. I’m not sure you’re really in any position to be judgy.”

  “It was the Great Depression. You can’t hold that against me for centuries. Let it go.”

  “And you let me go! Stay gone!”

  She shoved him in the chest and stepped to leave, but he caught both wrists and pulled her closer.

  “I know you missed me,” he whispered. “I can see it in your eyes.”

  “I did not. Still don’t.”

  He picked her up and hoisted her above him, tucking his head under her skirt. “Mmm,” he mumbled against her panties. “You still smell the same. Someone feels a little wet. You were never good at keeping your panties dry around me.”

  “Get out of there. Put me down!” She whacked him on the back of the head a few times and kicked her legs.

  “I just want to see if you taste the same.”

  He ran his tongue along her thigh and softly kissed her flesh. She gasped and shuddered at the warmth, momentarily stopping her protest. His power and strength had always been a turn on and she realized that hadn’t changed in his long absence. It was hard to fight when the tingling felt so good.

  Alejandro felt her relax as he tickled the outside of her panties with his tongue. She grabbed onto the back of his head, grinding her hips against his face. He loosened his grip, allowing her to levitate the few inches necessary to reach the stapler over her head.

  “You like that,” she whispered.

  His response was muffled as he used his tongue to tug at the elastic and steal quick tastes of her.

  “You’ll like this even more.”

  She pushed away enough to get his head out from under her skirt before slamming the stapler down on his forehead. “I’m still fucking angry!”

  “Owww,” he yelped as he grabbed it from her hands.

  Candace slipped off his shoulders and stood on top of her desk. “When have you ever known me to be easy?”

  “Never easy, but always feisty. Me likey.” He touched his forehead and healed the small puncture wound instantly. “I don’t know why you even bothered.”

  “Just because it heals doesn’t make it less fun for me to try again.” She reached for the large glass paperweight on the desk and held it over her head.

  “Let’s not fight,” he said, making his best sad face.

  “We wouldn’t have to if you’d just leave. I have new people to see and places to go.”

  “But I’m back,” he complained, shocked by her response.

  “For now.”

  “Now is something. Now is now. You can’t spend eternity with a human anyway unless you turn him. And if that’s the goal, you could have just picked a supernatural being to begin with. Hello, Alejandro Espinoza, supernatural being, at your service.” He tipped an imaginary hat in her direction, moving just in time to avoid the released paperweight.

  “Humans have been good to me,” she explained. They fulfilled my needs when you couldn’t … when you were nowhere near to even contribute.”

  “If you need me to wear a cowboy hat and scream hey y’all I’m getting ready to come then I will.”

  Candace rolled her eyes and impatiently tapped her foot. “You’re so crass. You really underestimate them.”

  “Yeee-hawwww!”

  “What are you doing that for?”

  “You like those poker players from Texas, so I’m trying to turn you on with the human mating call. Yeeee-hawwwww,” he yelled loudly, opening his arms and clenching his fists.

  The door flew open as Landry came rushing in. He looked up at Candace on the desk and Alejandro still in his yelling position. “What the hell?”

  “We’ve already been through this,” Alejandro lectured. “Hell does not…”

  “It’s okay, Landry. He was just leaving.”

  “I didn’t see him on the security cameras. How did he get in here?”

  “Again, warlock,” Alejandro said, throwing up his hands as he walked past. “I’ll win you over, Candace. It will be like I never left.”

  “And stay out of my fucking office,” she yelled, baring her fangs.

  Landry locked the door behind him and offered a hand as she climbed off the desk. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine, but that lock won’t do anything if he really wants to get in here.”

  “Why is he back?”

  “To make my life miserable, obviously.”

  “Can’t we find someone to create a spell to keep him away?”

  “No witch in her right mind would dare go against him.”

  Landry was quiet as he watched her tidying up the office. She looked up from her hunt for stray staples and caught him staring. “What are you looking at?”

  “You still have feelings for him, don’t you?”

  “We did spend half a century together. I’m pissed at him, but I’m not sure I could ever hate him.”

  Landry bent down to help her, cupping his hand to catch the staples she’d collected. “As much as I want to see you with a match, I don’t think he’s the one for you.”

  “Agreed.”

  “Nothing but trouble.”

  “I know, Landry.”

  “He’ll probably disappear again.”

  “I got it! What is your problem?”

  Landry sighed and looked at her. “You do look pissed, but you’re also smiling.”

  “I am?” She brought her hand to her mouth and was shocked to feel a grin dissipating. “Shit.”

  “That’s what I’m thinking. Shit.”

  “It had to be the licking. He had me in the air and…”

  “Wait, what?”

  “It sounds worse than it was. Nothing really happened.”

  “I’m not sure being held in the air and licked and nothing really happened have ever been mentioned in the same conversation in my life. Nor has it ever happened to me. Ever.”

  “Well, you haven’t lived as long as I have. It might still happen. How are things going in the club tonight?”

  “Way to change the subject. Everything is fine. The talent is sexy as usual, and the clients are happy.”

  “That’s what I like to hear.” She stood up and held the trash can under his hand to catch the staples. “I better get back out there and check on my new friend.”

  “Alejandro or no Alejandro, you’re still going on this boat ride with the new guy if I have to drag you myself.”

  “Dragging won’t be necessary. He’s a nice guy. I’m sure it will be a nice time.”

  “Nice? You said nice twice.”

  “So?”

  “Your brain is now on the bad boy, so you’re saying nice to convince yourself he’s a better choice. You are sooo going to use him as a distraction fuck, not that I’m knocking those since they are better than picking staples off the floor.”

  “You missed the one I added to his forehead.”

  “Nice work,” he said, giving her a fist bump. “Remind me to keep the office supplies away from you if I ever disappear for decades. Where exactly has he been anyway?”

  “Banished to another realm, or so he says.”

  “You don’t believe him?”

  “It just seems odd he would appear afte
r I get asked out on a date. I couldn’t even sense he was here. We’ve been apart for too long.”

  Landry grabbed a legal pad from the desk and swatted it through the air around him. “He better not be floating around my head right now. I’ll give him more than a staple.”

  Before they could say another word, one of the security guards knocked loudly on the door. “We have a fire!”

  “What the fucking fuck! My club is on fire?”

  Landry opened the door and nearly slammed into the security guard. “Have you called 9-1-1? Where is it?”

  “It’s outside. Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you. Mr. Conrad’s convertible Mercedes just burst into flames.”

  “Alejandro,” Candace growled. “He did this.”

  The security guard remained, scratching his head. “It’s weird, though. We played back the security footage and it looked like spontaneous combustion.”

  “Of course it did,” she mumbled. “I’ll give Mr. Conrad a ride home.”

  Candace joined the crowd outside as they watched the firefighters extinguish the flames. She stood next to Shane and placed her hand on his arm. “We can reimburse you for the car.”

  “Why would you do that?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

  “Uh, well it’s on my property so, I feel respons…”

  “It’s not your fault,” he said, turning back toward the fading flames. “I have insurance. I just can’t imagine what caused the fire.”

  “Such a mystery,” she added, trying to look surprised. “I’d be happy to take you home.”

  “You?” There was no stopping the smile that crept across his face. “Do you mean one of your staff?”

  “Yours truly,” she said with a bow. “It would be my pleasure. Hope you don’t mind flying? I’ll hold onto you tightly. I’ve never dropped anyone.” She let him look stunned for a few moments before playfully smacking his arm. “Kidding. I have the blood red Tesla in the back lot. I’ll even let you drive.”